Early regrets

As a parent I am afraid of only one thing: messing my kid up. I think about it consistently and more than I probably should. As adults we can all look back on our childhood and think of instances of parental injustice or words they "didn't mean" or other miscellaneous trauma. We can all think of ways our parents could have done better; things we would never do if we were parents. Since I became a parent four years ago the tables have turned and I am now avoiding those very things that I said I would never do, which are most likely the very things my parents did to/around/with/against me.

Even before I became a father I was fairly convinced that nurture often outweighs nature in our human experience. Whatever is good or bad about us, we learned a large part of it and can undo very little of it. Psychologists say the time before 5 years of age are the most forming of years. That scares the hell out of me sometimes because I so badly dread making someone relive what occasionally torments me. If I learned it in my childhood, how capable am I to avoid what seems to be my destiny? I am certainly capable of this, but it is a struggle that requires a great deal of self awareness. One reason all this probably scares me is because I have not competely come to terms with some of my pains from my family. I suppose if I were more comfortable with those things then I may have a bit more confidence in myself.

Tonight was one of those few moments I wish so badly I could get back. If only I could explain to my son why adults sometimes must argue in order to protect their illusion of control over the surrounding environment and the other adults contained therein. Children will argue with their parents, but when their parents argue with each other they have no understanding whatsoever of the situation at hand. It makes them feel insecure and unsafe. They are unable to take sides and instead feel (probably very accurately) that both sides are at danger of losing love.

As my child tried to interrupt my wife and I by interjecting, "Stop. Please stop.", we continued. As I finally took a moment to turn around in my driver's seat to make some sort of apologetic eye contact, my innocent piece of clay waiting to be formed by healthy role models lay asleep in his car seat. I cried the rest of the way home, up the stairs, and into his bed. I wish there was some way to apologize, but instead I have to hope that he has sweet dreams tonight and remembers nothing in the morning.

anarchy and christianity conference 2006

Last weekend our whole household (minus Amos) went up to Champaign, Illinois, for the 2006 Anarchy and Christianity Conference. It had been a long time since I had last felt so much like a Christian. The whole time we were there was filled with so much peace and kindred spirits. Many peoples perception of anarchy is chaos and hate, violence and destruction. Obviously that is not at all that it is about, and this weekend showed that. Amongst a group of 120 people that both follow Jesus Christ and reject earthly government there was NO "Bush bashing", or condemning the mainstream church, or any negativity really at all. It was also very encouraging to finally meet people who believe the same as I do. I feel a lot less crazy. It's very hard when you know there is a broad, spreadout community of people who are much like you but you cannot connect with them or even find them. Thank God for conferences like this one.

We also learned about various topics ranging from introductions to Anarchy and Christianity to different approaches to state sponsored education. Sustainable environments and communal living were focal points, along with how to approach church; another interesting one dealt with not just handling technology but understanding the western worldview that purveys it and its mis-use. One thing I especially loved about being there was the common understanding the people are most important, and that violence is never an option. Passifist anarchists are my kind of croud!

If anyone reads this and wonders what the hell I'm talking about please email me or call me. This is very relevant stuff.

Why I still don't like my Christian high school experience...

Today as I was reading the Kansas City Star I noticed a section I had never seen before: Education. I didn't know they had an education section! Heather and I are trying to decide where Amos' first school experience should take place at, and so this section grabbed my attention. So as I flipped through the pages, I stumbled upon a full page ad for my old high school, Kansas City Christian Academy. I went there my whole life, kindergarten through 12th grade. I know that the school has grown since my days there, but never would expect to see a full page for them; granted it was in the "education" section.

The bottom half of the page was set like an advertisement, with an image of the core of an eaten, rotten apple with a big motto: "We bear fruit that lasts". I thought that was actually a pretty good little slogan. Then the top half of the page was the school describing itself. It gave a little information about the academy and then said,"...because here we bear fruit that lasts. For example:..."and then lists about 15 professions that alumni from the school now have. This brings me to my point. The first one was a missile technician in Nebraska. I'm sorry, what? Fruit that lasts means building weapons that can only be used for war? War? Fruit that lasts? I'm confused. Then the next fourteen are all clearly the most prestigious professions held by any of the alumni the school could track down. This was the problem when I was there. There is all this spiritual talk and spiritual catch phrases like "fruit that lasts", and then the application is no different than the rest of the world. I'm sorry, but no profession and certainly no war is going to "last". When I think of what lasts I think of character development, families, spiritual growth and discipleship.

I understand that a school has to "sell" itself and that is why they put a full page ad in the paper, but are they trying to appeal to Christians interested in raising their children in a spiritual environment, or are they trying to establish themselves as an elite college prep school? Sure you can have both spiritual and good education, but to use biblical catch phrases to sell anything is at least disappointing if not questionable. I guess one also has to wonder how spiritual of an environment it is if they believe an arms specialist is an example of "fruit that lasts".

9-11-01 was an inside job

A few nights ago Heather and I watched a documentary called "Loose Change". I had seen it earlier, but she had not. I was excited to see what she thought because the film is definitely controversial, and I wasn't completely sure she would be open to it. But she was open to it and we have been talking about it a lot lately.

The film basically puts forth information almost entirely from footage of the events on Sept. 11th, 2001 and government documents concerning that day. The writer puts some pieces together to ask some very important and compelling questions that the American government refuses to address. It is difficult to watch for several reasons. One reason is that that day was traumatic for almost anyone "American" in any facet. Another reason is that no one wants to believe that humanitarian catastrophes really happen by the hand of those in power(e.g. genocide). One more reason is that it is our natural tendency to look to national leaders (kings) to rule us instead of God. Therefore, to think that the hope we have put in our king has been betrayed makes us feel sick to our stomachs, and we would much rather not believe it than face the possibility. That is why I think most people would rather not see a film like this that challenges the popular belief that Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden "hate freedom". If our king does not take care of us, who will?

When we choose to follow Christ we must give up all other allegiances. If this includes our family as Jesus says, then it most certainly includes any national ties we may have as well. God and his revelation here on earth transcend any race or nation. The apostle Paul spent most of his ministry trying to show this exact thing. Christ, therefore, becomes our "King of kings" and "Lord of lords" and we no longer have any allegiance to any other earthly king; if for no other reason, simply because it can divide Christians from each other. If, then, Christ is our king, we shall not be surprised when men attack other men, when they abuse their power, when they pursue money at all costs (even human costs). While this may be infuriating, we should not be surprised. Earthly kings will always fail and always be consumed by their power. While some governmental structures may work better than others, the pursuit of power always triumphs over any structural good.

Christ and earthly kings will always be in contention. They were when Christ was on earth, and they were during the early church. Throughout history when the two have merged it has usually meant bad things for the church. We must understand that Christs kingdom does not rule through earthly kingdoms, but transcends them. So as Christians we should not be afraid to know the evil our earthly kings engage in. It also means that we Christians should together do the good on earth that a king and his minions may never do. Long live the King of kings!!

WE WANT DONUTS!

A few nights ago we went to go see the worst team in baseball, our very own Kansas City Royals. Right now they are winning one in four games which, for those of you who don't follow sports, is bad. In our town you definitely go to the game either for "the experience" or to see a good team come to town. In this case I feel like I experienced the saddest day in Royals baseball history. I'll explain:

The local division of Krispy Kreme Donuts has a deal going that if the Royals get 12 or more hits in a single game, just show your ticket stub for a FREE dozen donuts. As you can imagine this is very popular yet highly improbable. In the bottom of the 9th inning the Royals were down by 3 runs, had no outs, and had 11 hits for the game. The Jumbo-tron in the stadium suddenly announces that one more hit and that makes a dozen for the Royals and a dozen donuts for us! So the crowd is now into the game. There is a reason to watch, and now everyone in the stadium is chanting "We-want-do-nuts-clap-clap-clap-clap-clap". This is true. All 4,000 people were cheering their team on to get a hit. To come back and win the game? No! For some last minute heroics to turn this lousy season around? No! This 3rd fattest city in the nation wanted our donuts!! Give us our FREE dozen donuts! How sad. As there was a pause in the action, I am confident that every player on the field heard our chanting. I felt guilty. But I too really wanted those donuts!

In the end, everyone lost. No more hits, no last minute heroics, no win for the home team, and no donuts for anybody.

The Future of Food

The other day I came to a realization...About strawberries. I was thinking about when I was young my family would get strawberries (only for dessert) and we would slice them up with some short cake and then COVER them in sugar. They were so good! What wouldn't be, covered with sugar? I got to wondering why strawberries, of all the berries in the world, would need sugar added to them? So as I was cutting up some conventionally grown strawberries at work, I was very disappointed in the general lack of flavor. Later, I cut some organically grown strawberries and marveled at the wonderfully sweet taste! That's when I had my realization!! Conventional strawberries just don't have the same flavor because of how they are grown. To some this may be common sense; and surely it should have been to me, a produce manager of 4 years.

So it got me thinking: how strange is it that we have zapped all the sweetness out of berries that we would need to add sugar to them! This is so absurd! Can you imagine making a pitcher of orange juice from concentrate, and then adding a cup of sugar like it's freaking kool-aid? Maybe that's where we're headed. Granted, strawberries are sprayed more than any other fruit, so oranges will not be the same kind of case. But we lack all kinds of nutrients in our soil (that's why we have multi-vitamins) because of how we farm so badly.

I guess the realization happened because I have all this farming information in my head, but I don't feel like I see the actual results of it very often; mostly because I only eat organic. When you go back to conventionally grown produce, you are often sorry that you did.

I am thinking of something really familiar that I've never seen. It's a fishgope. -Amos Copling 

House churches are dangerous

So Heather and I live with my brother Jeremy and his wife, Poss. We share a fairly large house in a neighborhood that is right on the "black/white" border in Kansas City. For about 3 years we were trying to be part of Jacob's Well, a "post-modern" "emerging" church. In November we started having church in our house. It includes the four of us and two other married couples, along with the occasional single person. We all have different levels of commitment, but for our household it is our primary "church" experience.

Occasionally when I tell someone (especially our parents) that we go to a church in our home their reaction is polite and uncertain all at once. Primarily out of concern for our spiritual well being, I am guessing. They say how nice it must be to have a small group, and then they might make some comment about how their church is a little bigger than they are comfortable with. But in the end we arrive at the same place: they warn that house churches can be dangerous. "Really? How so?", I might say. "Without any spiritual authority, you could really stray from good doctrine," they probably say. Something like that anyway. That's weird to me, because I have never felt safe in a "big building" church.

I think the main thing that house churches are a danger to are the power structure of the conventional church and its political ties. Just think, if a church broke down into smaller groups that no longer tithed to the main structure, where would the pastor work? The rest of the staff? A Masters of Divinity won't get you far without someone to pay you to preach. Whether they admit it or not, churches want to grow and typically do not ever plan for multiplication or splitting when they get to a certain size. Then they grow really big and break into "cell groups" or "home groups". What? You mean house churches? No! They still must adhere to one man's teachings and give the church office their money.

Through having church in our home, we free up our money to be given to people who truly need it, not to a company called "church". By sharing a meal we have far more opportunities to share our life with people, not just gossip. And when we pray for each other, we don't take prayer requests because we already know! How sad it is that there are large groups of people in these churches paying to see the show but don't ever connect with another person in a meaningful way. Our American churches are structured like business and have catered to the consumerist mentality of the masses. That seems dangerous to me. We need an alternative.